The time I disgraced my ancestors by fucking up a biscuit

I had initially planned to go on a two-part biscuit journey into my soul today, but some shit happened. Allow me to preface the coming fuckstorm with an anecdote about how my intentions were noble, but they never quite fleshed out. See, I've been trying most of my adult life to replicate my grandma's biscuit recipe to no avail. Today felt different. Today was one of those days you tell yourself the infantile lie that you can do anything you put your mind to, dammit! Only to have your dreams summarily crushed by that harlot called Life. I had the idea to make two versions of the same buttermilk biscuit: one a tried-and-true baking powder, and the other my grandma's self-rising. Every event that followed, in a gravity-defying ascending cascade of awfulness, just made me let out one big, long "FUUUUUUUHHHH."

Buttermilk baking powder biscuits


4 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
2 1/2 Tbsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1 1/2 tsp kosher salt
1 stick unsalted butter, cold, cut into 1/4-inch cubes
1/2 cup Crisco, cold
2 cups buttermilk, cold

Preheat oven to 450F.
Sift all the dry ingredients together 3 times.
Cut the butter and shortening into the dry ingredients with a fork until most of the fat is in pea-sized pieces. It's okay if there are a few dime-sized chunks. This will contribute flakiness to the biscuit.

I'm definitely getting worse at photography.

Make a well in the center, and slowly pour in the buttermilk while simultaneously whisking it with a fork, incorporating a bit of the flour at a time. Once the dough is a cohesive mass, scrape it out of the bowl and onto a lightly-floured counter.

The middle finger is not a coincidence.

Fold the dough in on itself 2-3 times, and using your hands, press it out into a mass that is 1 inch thick.
Cut the biscuits out with a biscuit cutter or a glass with a sharp edge. Do not twist the cutter as you're pressing them out, as a clean cut will allow the dough to rise in distinct layers.

Gently fold the scraps together and cut another batch of biscuits. These biscuits won't be quite as pretty when you take them out of the oven, but they'll be tasty.
Place the discs on a silicone mat or parchment paper on a cookie sheet.
Bake for 15 minutes until the tops are a light golden brown. Brush with honey butter.

Honey butter


1/2 stick unsalted butter
1 Tbsp honey

Melt the butter in the microwave on high for about 45 seconds.
Whisk in honey.

What I did do was follow this recipe. What I didn't do is roll the dough out thick enough, so the biscuits didn't come out as fluffy as I wanted. A 1- to 1 1/2-inch thickness should do the trick.

I won't even bother you with my grandma's recipe. Those shits went right in the trash.

Never give up, Hannah. Never give up.