Sunday, May 1, 2011

Camp food


In theory, I love camping: the great outdoors, the smoky fire, the challenge of cooking. In practice, camping is tough to defend: the mosquitos, the boredom, the lack of running water, the going to sleep at 9, the bastard hard-as-shit ground, the freezing your ass off no matter how warm your sleeping bag. I justify its drawbacks with the Calvin's Dad Defense: It'll be good for your character! Unfortunately, my character likes an Ambien (there were none) and an airbed (nope), a flashlight (cell phone) and a comfy chair (log), to be able to put up with that bullshit. At the end of the night, we fell asleep to the dulcet tones of a parent spanking her child and a banjo whose strummer had the enthusiasm of a Baggins drunk on adventure.

Jason and I foil-wrapped our food before we headed out so that it would be easy to cook, knowing that a number of hours would pass before we ate. Once I gathered the ingredients, it was just a matter of assembly.

Chicken in foil


1/2 a large yellow onion, roughly chopped
3 medium carrots, peeled and chopped
8 oz. cremini mushrooms, sliced
10 cloves garlic
2 medium chicken breasts
Olive tapenade
1/4 lb pancetta, sliced thin
A handful of herbs, such as thyme, oregano, and basil
1/2 stick butter, cut into cubes
1/2 cup Cabernet Sauvignon
Kosher salt
Freshly-ground black pepper

Divide the veggies and garlic onto 2 large sheets of foil.
Lay the chicken breasts on top, spread with the tapenade, sprinkle on an assortment of herbs, and layer the pancetta.


Place the butter cubes on top of the chicken breasts, season well, and begin to fold the foil, shorter sides up first, then join the long sides together. Pour half the wine into each partially-folded packet, then seal the long sides together.
Repeat with a second piece of foil on each packet.

Banana boats and Apple dapples


1 banana
Nutella
Walnuts
Shmallows
Strawberries
1 apple
Butter
Brown sugar
Cinnamon

Split the banana and put it on a large square of foil.


Spread nutella in the crevice, sprinkle on walnuts and shmallows, and place the berries beside the nanner.

You should not be able to see the banana through all the crap.
Fold the foil into a packet.
On another foil square, core the apple and fill it with cubes of butter, brown sugar, and cinnamon. Make it into an apple bomb, which is a thing.


Jason and I, both former scouts, had no fucking clue what we were doing. Jason made the fire, which he repeatedly implored me to recognize as a feat of strength, and I repeatedly rebuffed as a silly attempt to secure his masculinity. We had the thought that we should let the coals die down before we threw our dinner on the fire, but we were hungry, so the white-hot ones would have to do. We also conjectured that if we poked at it enough, things would turn out alright. We said things like "Rotate it!" and "Put them on the outside so they cook slower!"

Poooooke.
Of course, our dinner was fine, albeit a little scorched at the bottom.


It was a good thing dessert rolled around at pitch black, because every picture I took looked like baby's first poop. I don't mind saying that my banana boat was the best of the two.

In the end, the thing that makes camping fun is this


...and a shitload of patience. I sometimes wonder why people bother "camping" with RVs, but in the end, is playing Angry Birds in a tent any better? If we have to change nature to be in it, then are we still in nature? QUESTIONS.

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